All The News That Fits Or Gives You Fits

I get almost all my news online these days with varying degrees of completeness, accuracy and fairness. In other words, I haven’t the faintest idea what’s going on, although the Washington Post does a good job overall. Their opinion writers cover the entire spectrum, and earn my respect because of their generally excellent writing even though I often have disagreements with their conclusions.

By contrast, the paper I grew up with, the San Francisco Chronicle, is on par with the National Enquirer. No self-respecting bird will let you line its cage with it, and paper recyclers treat yesterday’s edition as hazardous material. The writers can barely put together a coherent sentence, while if an article is sensational, exaggerated, poorly researched, and completely biased; it naturally gets the front page. Compare how the “Comical” would cover an event as compared to a more sober paper like the Post, or better yet, the London Times.

A storm approaches with 50 mph winds and heavy rain.

The Times: A bit of a stiff breeze is expected over the next couple of days accompanied by some rain. Be sure to keep your umbrellas handy and remove any household objects that may otherwise make unexpected and possibly unwelcome visits to your neighbors.

Chronicle: Oh my God!!! It’s the storm of the century; we’re all going to die!

Stock Market Crashes:

The Times: A slight mishap in the markets today will mean some belt tightening is in order.

Chronicle: Lifetime savings of the rich exploiters of the working class were wiped out in an instant! This is all because of their repression of the oppressed and not giving their life savings to every street bum you see.

Latest royal scandal:

The Times: The queen is slightly miffed at the unseemly behavior of the prince. It is beneath our dignity to go into the details. Editors note: Right, who put in that link to the tabloid with the juicy photos and quotes?

Chronicle: Prince who? You mean there’s something beyond our narrow, self serving view of the world? And besides who needs royalty when you have the highest concentration of queens in the world?

The lifestyle page:

The Times: Here are some handy gardening tips that beautify your home and at the same time provide tasty, healthy fruits and vegetables.

Chronicle: How to cross-dress your child.

The end of the world:

The Times: Well this is a bloody nuisance, coming as it is the day before that important cricket match with India.

Chronicle: Finally, a way to stop the greedy capitalistic mortgage brokers from foreclosing on your home despite your taking out a loan with terms that would embarrass a loan shark.